A Little Bit Of Everything - And A Little?

This is post 4 of 5.

Little - But Not Age Play

I shared this about myself a bit a while ago, well, parts of it... this one is a hard one to share, and I share some new things here.  I'm embarrassed, and vulnerable, and scared to death while typing this, but still feel I want to share so that you get a picture into who we are, so that people can relate to us better. 

Part of me gets scared sharing because I know how DD, D/s, and BDSM are generally accepted, but not littles, and I am not like any other that I've met, heard about, or read about, you'll see why below.  So I don't fit the mold at all, but I'm honestly not sure what else to call what happens.  Maybe little isn't even the right term, but it's all that I know to call it at this point.  I'll let you decide.  Maybe you have a better name for it for me? :)

***Before I explain this, I need to admit why I said we don't age play.  This is not against anyone who does, it just isn't what we do, and if you do, that is great. :)  We all have to make our lifestyles work for us. :)  For us, we don't make this a lifestyle, it's just something that happens or doesn't.  We don't immerse ourselves in it.  I don't usually like to sit and colour, I only watch young girl movies when babysitting, and I only play with toys when babysitting or playing with little one, not ever something I want to do on my own, etc.  It's more a personality that comes out when I say 'little'.  Let me explain.

So what happens to me is that sometimes I'll feel scared, unwanted, overwhelmed, lost, or even in good times when I feel extremely vulnerable or lots of joy.  That is when it happens.  I feel little, small, young, in desperate need of protection, of unconditional love, and being taken care of.  When I say need, I mean, down to the core of my being, so intense I almost can't breathe through it at times.  It in itself is overwhelming.  My voice gets small, I shrink, and I'm embarrassed.  I had noticed this of myself throughout life, and never let anyone know it was happening.  I'd hide away and tell myself to grow up.  But then one day it happened with the Duke during a spanking.  I hid, I hid it, spank after spank, until I was beyond thought, and then it happened before I realized the words were even out of my mouth.  "I'll be good, Daddy!"

I FROZE.  I had NEVER thought of him like that before.  I had NEVER thought of anyone like that before.  I panicked, and tried to scramble off the Duke's lap, but he wouldn't have it.  I started crying, and fighting against him for all I was worth, but he's way bigger and stronger than me, and told me he wasn't letting me go.  He then asked why I'd called him Daddy.  I couldn't answer, my heart constricted, my breathing choked in my chest, and I was in a complete state of panic.  He asked again, and then he demanded I talk to him.  I told him I didn't know.  I didn't, and I just wanted away from him to process whatever in the world it was that had just happened.

He held me, and comforted me, and let me know it was okay.  But then, not long after, maybe a few weeks, maybe just days, it happened again, this time while being intimate.  I know, I know, it's not supposed to, and so I was even more upset with myself because by this point I'd heard of littles.  The more comfortable I became around the Duke, the more easily it happened.  Don't get me wrong, it didn't happen all the time, but probably 2-3 times a month for about 5-15 minutes, if that, and over half of those times happened when we were intimate, even though I tried to tell myself that was wrong, bad, not socially acceptable, but it still happened.  We now know the things that usually make it happen, and I'd learned to not hate myself when it did, and then even thrive when it did.

Then, in the past few years, it stopped happening almost altogether.  When I was in labour, for the first time ever, I became a little in front of other people.  The Duke doubts everyone else knew, but I kept blanking out, I was still conscious, but there is about five hours I don't remember of labour.  The Duke said I'd ask several questions, get this look in my eyes of confusion, and then ask the same questions all over again.  He said this happened dozens of times, and that I was little through it.  He promises me he doubts anyone else understood what was going on, but he did.  He saw the fear, how lost I was, and he heard it in my voice, and how my speech had changed.  So if he saw it, I have this overwhelming fear that others may have realized it too. 

Also, my parents have moved in.  The reason I think it even ever happens is because of the abuse I had.  I think it's my mind trying to find a way to reclaim that innocence I was never allowed to experience, the unconditional love, the protection, the being taken care of.  With them around, I do not feel I can be that vulnerable.  So, when I wrote this a month or so ago, I had said it might be something that doesn't happen again because it hasn't in quite a while... but then two nights ago happened, and it was back, which is why I didn't post it a few days after my last post like I did with the others in this set.  When it happened, I was so upset, I couldn't even talk to the Duke.  He was floored when I called him Daddy in that little voice, and I couldn't deal.  I ran from the room, telling myself I was not going to cry, worried I was being rejected.  He found me, and told me he wasn't upset, just shocked because I had said I didn't want it happening again, he had tried several times to coax my little out over the past couple of years, feeling it was good for me to let her out, and I fought it tooth and nail.  I admitted I didn't mean for it to happen, and didn't even realize I was slipping until I called him Daddy.  I begged him to leave me alone, I was emotionally over wrought, and he finally did after trying to talk to me several times, and then I felt horrid.  I was so vulnerable, and I had pushed away the one person who would comfort me through it.  I'm still shaken up about it two days later, and feel that side of me hovering, begging to be let out until I can process through all of this.  I have been sick with bronchitis and really bad headaches for two weeks, that probably does not help my inability to deal with this.

In many ways, she is freeing.  I have had much healing when that part of me comes out because the Duke gives me extra love and care.  The Duke loves me when I go little, he says I have this excitement over little things, I am extra cuddly, I am extra sweet, and innocent.  When I'm little, for that brief period of time, I don't think, I just follow.  I just am super obedient, I never fight against him, I am so giving to him, and long to please him to the center of my being.  He says it's like I thrive over being told what to do and having to obey in those moments, that I get this look of peace when I have to do as he tells me.  There are even things I'm too nervous or embarrassed to do normally that that side of me begs to do.

So... a part of me.  I'm trying to embrace it again, I had in the past, but I'm finding it so difficult right now.  I'm starting forty in the face, and I just feel I should really be grown up by this point, and not in so much need of coddling when I feel like this.  I'm embarrassed by this side of me, the need that over takes me when it happens.  I do not like being that needy, to the core of my being.  I don't know how to feel that it happened all the sudden again.  I don't know if it's because I knew that this post was coming up and it's been making me nervous, or if it would have happened on it's own.  I just don't know. :(

I totally understand if this post turns people away... I am so confused by it all myself.  I had it all figured out at one point... or I was accepting of it at least... hoping I can find the balance so I'm not so uncertain.

The Duke's Deductions:

I like when the little side comes out. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, and I don't think it is anything to be embarrassed about. I remember a while ago when Esmay told me she had wanted to stop being little or calling me Daddy, and I didn't quite understand it, I just assumed she was no longer interested in it. I had been trying to stop treating her little since she had told me she didn't want to anymore and catching myself because it became such a normal part of our lifestyle together, so it confused me when she called me Daddy earlier this week after saying she didn't want to do that anymore. I feel Esmay is especially vulnerable right now, probably because of her being sick this week and our daughter being sick.

It can be hard because I want to do what is best for her, but it can be hard to tell what that is sometimes. What is best for her can sometimes be the opposite of what she wants in a particular moment, or can sometimes be something that can make her unhappy with me in the short term but will be better for her in the long term. Sometimes as an HOH I need to trust that she trusts me to try to do what is best for her. I also sometimes can have fear of making a bad decision, and need to trust that if I do make a mistake in this relationship that Esmay still loves me and will still forgive me and that I can learn from it.

EsMay again - Man I love this man!

A Little Bit Of Everything - BDSM

First of all, I finally got around to some blogs today, not all, but it was nice.  I'm sorry that I can't get to blogs often, and am so grateful for those of you that still read mine even while knowing that.

This post was quite risqué, and then I didn't feel comfortable sharing so much, so this is an abbreviated version of what we are in this lifestyle. :)  Hope that is okay.

This is post 3 of 5.

BDSM – Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism and Masochism.

I only like light or medium BDSM.  We are not so much into the S&M, though a bit, but I looked it up to make sure, and the first four of six still make us BDSM, though I'm no expert, so just going on what I know here. :)

I love having my hands tied, especially to something.  I like being blindfolded a bit, that one I never know how much I like.  I like being restrained in other ways than just my hands. Sometimes I like to be kept from talking by something, though have done it rarely.  Having it so that I have to fully trust the Duke, it brings a different level of submission, and definitely a new level of anticipation.  And as I mentioned a month or so ago, I love anal play.  There are other things too, but I feel hesitant to share, sorry.

I crave the things he does that makes me literal putty in his hands because of how much I have to submit to his control and fully trust him.  I literally feel this longing bloom in the core of my body, in the core of my heart.  I crave the anticipation of not knowing what is next and being able to do nothing to aid or stop what is coming.  Have I mentioned anywhere in these posts yet that I like giving up full control to my husband? :P  lol  Being tied means I don't have to think.  I don't have to decide.  There is nothing right or wrong I can do in the moment.  I just have to be.

I am not a huge fan of a lot of pain.  Many of you know that I suffer from a constant headache, and often suffer from other types of headaches on top.  But I do enjoy light to moderate levels of pain, and find they can even distract me from my headaches.  I guess maybe it’s the endorphin rush.

One thing I didn't anticipate about this lifestyle is how it got me out of my own head.  Some of you know that I struggled with a lust addiction when I was younger, and if I'm not careful, can still struggle.  Sometimes I'll be with the Duke, and all the sudden my mind can't focus, then I start recalling sex scenes I read in the past, or saw on TV, and all the sudden I'm in those scenes, and not with the Duke.  BDSM, the Duke is always talking to me, keeping me with him, training my focus with each thing he does exerting his control.  And then I don't feel guilty after we're done, because I really was making love to only him the whole time.

So, another aspect of who we are.  I love vanilla love making, and I love BDSM love making.  Both are wonderful, but I do find I come move alive with the BDSM stuff, even if it’s just a plug or tying my hands.  Just getting into that submissive mindset for it, just being reminded that I'm his, and I need to submit.

The Duke's Deductions:
There is something thrilling or exciting about feeling that I can do whatever I want to Esmay. I can tie her wrists up, I can play with different parts of her body, I can cause her pain. I like the feeling that she is willing to give up control for these things to me, to make me happy or to give me pleasure. I think I feel like I have so little control in other parts of my life, that I like the control I have here.  I think I go through my day at work feeling like other people ignore me, that its good at times to have somebody who can't ignore me, who has to give me their attention. Again, I guess it's a feeling of power that I like. 

A Little Bit Of Everything - D/s

This is post 2 of 5 in describing the different aspects of who we are. :)

D/s - Dominant/submissive

D/s and DD overlap so much that people find it hard to differentiate the two.  Both are about there being a leader and a follower.  So what I share may be what some people associate with DD.  The next two posts will be different than these two posts because of this. :)

I crave being guided.  I really crave being dominated by someone I can trust, and having to submit to the core of my being.  I crave the feeling I physically feel to the center of who I am when I have to swallow my pride and do as he asks over doing what I want, even when it's hard.  Afterwards I'm so proud of myself.  I crave having to bend my will to his and having to submit for no other reason than his wanting me to immerse myself further into my role because he knows I thrive best in being submissive.  

There is something about being with the Duke, and him asking me to be naked, and him keeping his clothes on.  Something in him telling me specifically what he wants in bed.  There is something about him telling me to obey, just because he's allowed to.  There is something about him telling me to stay still, no matter where we are in the house, so that he can do something quick to me just to remind me who I belong to.  There is something that quivers inside of me when he demands to know who I belong to.  I just love him holding my hand tight, holding me close, a look of warning that I've pushed too far, and he's not going to let me go further.  I love knowing he can take care of me, in the sense of being able to control me, and in literally taking care of me as well.  There just is something in my heart and soul that sings under these attentions.  My inner diva screaming YES!  Yes, I belong to this man, and he's not afraid to show it! :)

The Duke's Deductions:

I like these extra things we do as well. These things EsMay has mentioned make me feel powerful. I like the feeling of being able to control her in those moments, and how this seems to make her want me more, and want to obey me more. I like the feeling of her being willing to please me, of her giving her body to be my plaything.

EsMay again, I promise, he means it good when he says plaything. :P  He's not trying to dehumanize me. :P

A Little Bit Of Everything - DD

I get a bit descriptive physically in a couple of these posts, not this one, and share more than I ever have... so please skip over them if you think that will bother you.  I have put this warning at the beginning of those posts.  I promise to be back to my normal posting after. :)

I was going to share everything in one post, but some of my posts lately have been super long, and I want to get back to having them shorter so that they're easier for you to read.  This post is now going to be five posts. :)  Four will explain the different things we are.  The fifth will explain why it all works together for us. :)  I'll do one a day for five days.

As we get further and further into our roles and our dynamics, one things stands out.  I seem to be a little bit of everything, and in reading some of your blogs over the years, I think some of you feel the same way.  So I've been working on this post for several weeks, working on how I think about each thing so I hopefully can portray it right.  Just a little insight into who we are.

DD - Domestic Discipline

So of course we have to start with DD since this is a DD blog usually. :)  I crave discipline and being held accountable, having structure and being told what to do.  I have always, even as a child, been driven to obey, I feel it in my heart, and literally, a physical pull in the center of my chest. 

I crave having to listen to the Duke, and knowing I will get into trouble if I don't behave.  I really crave having to follow certain rules, and the look the Duke gives me when I've pushed too far.  I crave the dominate voice he will use if he needs to be firm, when he doesn't make a mistake and break out laughing that is. ;)  I grew up with abuse, as you know from past posts, but DD has healthy expectations, the rules are clearly defined, and the punishments that will come.  I know they are done out of love and to help me beat bad habits and be a better me.  They're not for making me pay for not doing good enough or being in the way, but to help me the best person I want to be, and to bring a balance to our marriage so that two people aren't fighting for control.

I like not making all the decisions, in a world where I make decisions all day, and am in charge all day, I like letting go and letting the Duke take over.  I like not having to decide certain things, that he'll take care of me, that I just have to follow him.  I like being able to sit back and allow freedom to roll over me because I don't have to worry about this or that, the Duke takes care of it.

I guess in saying the rules are clearly defined above, I should admit we have no real and hard rules anymore.  We tried, and instead of guiding me, they made me feel smothered.  So we don't have any hard rules... well he doesn't like me to swear, and it's rare I do, and he likes me in bed by 11:30, but it's usually still up to me if I'm tired enough or not.  Over all though, we just know when I've acted in a way that neither of us is pleased with.  We both seem to know when I've crossed a line in my behaviour or attitude and need to have me reeled in.  I don't like being or feeling out of control, and am very thankful the Duke can bring me back to a place of submission and control.  We have talked about adding a few rules for my health, and we're tweaking them to be what we know we can maintain.  Maybe I'll share what they are when we have them realistically hashed out. :)

The Duke is going to share in these 5 posts.  The first part he shares here really floored me and worried me at first, but I love what he says before he's finished.

The Duke's Deductions:

I think I had trouble with the rules as I have trouble keeping rules for myself. In my personal life I am more inclined to follow routine or habit then having difficult rules for myself, so trying to keep track of them for someone else did not seem to work well either. I have to wonder sometimes though, when it comes to DD, if I was really caring enough or loving enough, wouldn't I make the effort to enforce the rules? Am I just a lazy person? Consistency is a big hurdle for me. I have so many things I wanted to do on a daily basis in my own life that have fallen over they wayside over the years, such as exercise, trying to follow a healthy diet, trying to practice and learn an instrument, keeping the place clean, etc. The only reason I have been able to keep up with daily Bible reading lately is because they let us read at work when we aren't busy but not go online or bring electronic devices in, so I have a lot less distraction. But at home, I have to wonder if I am addicted to TV or being online or playing video games? Probably not the video games at this point in my life, but at the beginning of our marriage that was probably more of an issue. Then I wonder, since the HOH's are the ones enforcing the rules, does that imply the TIH's have problems following rules while the HOH's have it all together? Because I don't have it together, I am not a disciplined person. I hate doing things that require work and wish I could relax and do nothing all the time, so how can I in good conscience force another person to have to do things that are work and limit the fun they can have? That's the thing, I feel like life in general is too hard as it is, how can I make it harder for somebody else? And how can I make the decisions when I feel like I don't understand the options and really don't feel like I want to take the time to figure out the options? That's the other difficulty I have as an HOH. I am supposed to be in charge, but I have not in general lived a life that was wisely lived. My life I feel has been mostly marked by fear and indecision. I have spent nearly 13 years at a job that I don't especially want or like that I just took because I needed a job, any job, at the time once I was done university, and am either too afraid or too lazy or both to try to find a job that would be right for me. I have trouble deciding what I want to eat for supper, just ask my wife. So, how can someone like be in charge and make decisions for another person. So you can see why DD has constantly been a personal struggle for me, but also a tool of my growth as a person. I believe in ways it has made me more confident as a person, more loving as a spouse, more in tune with the needs of my TIH. You learn these things by practicing DD, by trying to figure out how to do it in a way that helps your partner. I have learned that DD in the end is not really about me and where I am at in life although I think I learn and grow from it. I think it is about how I can really serve my wife, how I can help her, how I can demonstrate love to her. And from that point of view, when you realize the real aim of DD in that way, we can discuss and negotiate what DD should actually look like for us as a couple compared to what every one else does.  Even though we share on this blog, and show you parts of our marriage, it’s still just us in this marriage. I have to remember that people who write about their experience with DD online are not part of our marriage, even though we can learn from them. There is no one else with us in our bedroom or during a punishment. At the end of the day, it is just the two of us in our marriage, so what we do is going to be what works for us, and its not going to be the same as what everyone else is different, and that is OK because we are different people from all of you, and your marriage will be different from ours.

EsMay again - and all at once I remember how much the Duke shares in written word that he has a hard time putting into actual words.  I sometimes don't have any clue how hard his role is in all of this.  I felt really guilty reading the first part of what he wrote, and so much better about the middle of what he wrote. :)  And yes, as always, if you practice, make it your own. :)  It's your marriage/relationship.  :)

Buying Intimate Toys?

This isn't really DD, but many intimate toys really help with my submission, so I thought I'd share.  I am putting a note for storage and care below for anyone new to toys or looking for ideas. :)

After talking to some people lately about sex toys, I realized that people new to things outside of vanilla still struggle in the very same way we did when we started looking into our alternative lifestyle.  Where is safe to buy from?  Where is discrete?  Where will ship my products in a plain brown package with no identifiable markers?

(I am not getting paid in any way to share this info. :)  Just sharing a site we have found useful because it can be hard to know what sites to trust.)

Well, if you're in the same boat as the people I've been talking to lately, the exact same boat we found ourselves in a few years ago, I just want to quickly tell you about PinkCherry.ca.  There is a PinkCherry.com as well, and I'd imagine it would be pretty inline with .ca. Right now they're both having sales, so it's a good time to look around. :)  They're also offering a coupon code on the homepage, so put that in when ordering and you'll get that deal as well. :)  "PINK20" to get 20% off on .ca and "GREEN" to get 33% off on .com.  You'll see a coupon place in your shopping cart before you have to process your order so you can see the price adjustment below. :)

I do not believe we have ever ordered an inferior product from PinkCherry.  Every item we have gotten is high quality, and we always read the reviews.  Because of the nature of many of their products, for health safety reasons, there are no returns unless an item is defective.  We have ordered probably 30 items, maybe more, *er* *cough* *yes*, and they have all been high quality.  The only thing I ever wanted and couldn't find at PinkCherry was affordable steel plugs.  Other than that, they've always had everything I wanted, and often in a large variety to choose from.  You can search by keyword, or there is a listing on the side of things like dildos, butt plugs, restraints, lingerie and much more. :)  I've never shopped there for lingerie, so I can't attest to that being good or not.  Though a few toys came with a thong or blind fold that I didn't know about. :P

There is a 110% guarantee that if you find a lower price from an authorized Online Canadian Dealer (guessing states would do the same) within 33 days of ordering, they will refund 110% of the difference.  So if you buy something for $40, and find it for $30, they'll give you $11 dollars back.

Their shipping is VERY discreet.  A normal box with TBMBM or Customer Service listed in small letters on the mailing label.  Nothing will state what is inside, nothing will say PinkCherry, at least this is true for the Canadian site, and says so for the American site on their homepage.  Your Credit Card will also only say TBMBM, so if anyone has access to your info that you don't to see, they won't.  You will however get an email from PinkCherry saying your order has been received, and one from TBMBM once the order is processed to give you the shipping code, both will list the items you bought.  You will also get an email from PayPal if you use them, and it too will list your items.  So just keep that in mind if your email and PayPal email isn't private.

In Canada for sure, maybe states, if you are signed into your account when you order, for every $10 you spend, you get $1 in credit towards future purchases. If you forget to sign in, you can write them and they'll add the points.  If you have $49 in your order, you get free shipping.  We use standard shipping, and have never waited more than five business days for our items to arrive.  I won't guarantee the same will happen to you, but we get their orders in 2-5 business days. 

If you sign up for their news letters, they'll write you a few times a month with coupon codes.  They have sales quite often, and then with coupon codes on top, it makes it very affordable to get the things we want.  Boxing Day usually has a 50% off sale, and we often wait for those. :)  We didn't this year, but we did two orders since then.  But to be honest, hadn't bought from then in a year or two before hand until we finally had our wooden chest to lock things into.  You won't find much for spanking toys, these are more for intimate toys and toys to help with submission, and even things for sensual massage, and kegel muscle training.

When our child was born, family visited a lot, and we worried about them finding out stuff because they stayed in our room, so we had to get rid of half of it I'd say so we could keep it in a small hidden shoe box.  Now we're rebuying because we have room for a locked wooden chest.  (It's HERE, and not full sized, lol)  And because PinkCherry has been so good to us, that is where we're rebuying our stuff.

I am sure there are other great sites out there, but this is the one we know of.  So if you're as curious to look into toys as we were 4-5 years ago, but are very nervous about being discreet, or if they're safe to buy from, we have never had a problem with PinkCherry.  You can pay by Credit Card or PayPal.  And the packages are so plain that my Dad answered the door a few times for the packages and had no idea what was inside.  *WHEW*  LOL

And just a note to storage and care if you buy or have toys. :)  If getting many small toys like kegel balls, clamps, or long thin toys like plugs, dildos, vibrators, etc, we find cutlery trays work great.  We just put a piece of fabric down and press it into the slots to help protect the toys more.  We never found a storage solution online that worked for our needs, and that idea came to us one day, and it works great to keep everything separated.  We bought one with 7 normal slots, and one with several adjustable slots that can go quite big or quite small.  They are HERE for reference, and they just go into our wooden chest on top of each other.  Never let silicone (and some other plastics I believe) touch while being stored.  They can actually break down, we literally had one look like it was melted when we did by mistake. :P  Don't store metal and or glass together so that they don't scratch and leave areas for bacteria to grow.  And always wash your toys afterwards if they've been in contact with any intimate areas, including your mouth. :)  Have fun, PLAY SAFE, go slow when trying new toys, stop if things hurt (unless intended like clamps, etc), have lube on hand just in case (water based if using silicone toys, metal and glass can use any lube), only do things that are consensual to both people, and it can be a good idea to use safe words, especially when starting out. :)  Please feel free to ask me anything if you have questions, and I'll do my best to answer.  

Two Questions For Everyone :)

Since my last couple posts have been answering your questions, I have a couple for you guys, if that is alright. :)

1.  I have had this blog look for about 4 years.  Is it boring anyone?  Does it seem dated and make anyone not want to visit because of it?  Are the colours hard on the eye or anything?

2.  I'm about to start a five post series on the different parts of our lifestyle, and then going to be back to blogging about every day life.  But, is there anything you'd particularly like to see a post about?  Either from me, the Duke, or both of us?  He will be sharing in all five posts of the set we're about to do.  Is there a certain topic you wish we'd cover, or like our opinions on?

Hoping you all are having a great week.  The Duke was off today unexpectedly.  It only happens a couple times a year, and I'm looking forward to some time together, and time by myself to do some writing. :)

My Answers - Part 2 :)

Here is another set of answers. :)  I promise this is not as sad as my last post. :)  Though one of you did have a question about my Dad's role in it all, so I did answer that. :)

And thank you for everyone that was so supportive of my last post.  It meant a lot.  Seriously.  Your words helped heal my heart.  Thank you.

And if you have more questions, please feel free to let us know. :)  They can be for me, the Duke, or both of us. :)

--- Baker: My question is this...is there something new you'd like to try out in your dd relationship? If so, what is it and why?

Hmmm, I am not sure.  I have a hard time differentiating between DD, D/s and some other lifestyles we feel we are.  I really have to publish that post explaining the different things I think we are. :)  I just keep tweaking it.  Anyway… hmmm.  We have become very adventurous and have tried most everything I wanted to try… I think. :)  There are a few implements I’d like to try that I shared yesterday. :)  But the Duke has been very good at at least wanting to try the things I want, and then we decide from there if we like them.  And sometimes they aren’t what I hoped, and rarely he himself doesn’t like what we try.  I just asked him your question too, and his reply was "No, if there was, I would try it, wouldn't I?"  Um, yes, yes he would. lol

This isn’t really something new I’d like to try, but I’d like us to get to the point again where the Duke is more comfortable putting his foot down and keeping it down.  Sometimes I just want to feel his authority, and I’ll question him once, and he’ll give in.  I want him to have the assurance again like he used to that he’s got this, and I have to obey and listen to him.  I want to feel it again how much he has me, especially when it comes to my health and safety.  I think he’ll get there again, he’s already improving, but I’d love for him to tell me it’s bed time, and then if I say I want to stay up, him not give in, but tell me it’s still time for bed and things like that.  I don’t know…  when he stands up to me, I feel so important, and so loved. - 30 hours later - I wrote this post yesterday morning (except for Duke's answer above)  Little one did not let me sleep that night, and we finally got almost 3 hours sleep yesterday morning at 9 am.  The Duke put his foot down about me sleeping last night because I was so tired..  How is it that I just seem to write something down, and then all the sudden it’s like he’s read my thoughts even though I didn’t show him?  This has eerily happened many times.  I told him I didn't want to go to bed when he wanted, and he said I had to.  I asked if I could read for half an hour once in bed.  He said no.  And he wasn't going to budge.  I was sad to go to bed so early, I was ecstatic that I couldn't talk him out of it!  I swear, the men might not be able to read our mind when we first start DD, but I'm beginning to wonder if they learn how to over time! :P

--- Anonymous: If you don't mind me asking, I'm not quite sure what to make of your Dad's role in all of this. It seems your Mom was the worst, but what about him - did he know about it? Did he treat you well? Of course you don't have to answer.

Dad didn't believe my siblings or I about what was going on because mom was adamant that we were lying.  I don't bruise usually.  Though for some reason the loopy makes me.  Go figure. ;)  But aside for my bottom with that, it is rare that I bruise.  My mother, on the other hand, bruises super easy.  So she'd have bruises all over her from me trying to defend myself, and I wouldn't have a single one.  So she was able to tell my Dad all the time that I was beating up on her, and so he’d punish me on top of the abuse.  My daughter also is showing that she doesn't bruise, and that sends panic to my heart.  Not that I ever wouldn't believe her, but I worry that she might be hurt and not tell me, and I would have no outward signs to know. :( 

It wasn't until I was out of my house, maybe even less than a year later, I was reading “The Knight and the Dove” by Lori Wick, and it was then that I realized how bad things were with Dad.  In the book, Megan has been abused by her mother her whole life, and it isn’t until she is forced into an arranged marriage with a man named Bracken that she sees how bad it was that her father knew of the abuse, but did nothing.  Before they are married, she and Bracken spend a couple of months living at his castle, while being chaperoned by his aunt, Louisa.  They have to go to her home for her wedding dress to be made up.  Her mom hurts her and leaves a scratch on her cheek that scars later on.  When Bracken finds out what her mother has done, he takes Megan back to his castle, and tells the parents before they leave that all future meetings will happen at his castle where he can supervise what is happening, and then tells Megan’s father that he can’t control his wife.  Her father is livid, but then broken hearted when he learns that Megan feels the same. She admits to Aunt Louisa that she’s realized that even though her father had never abused her himself, he had knowing allowed the situation to occur, and so was just as guilty as her mother.  She finally saw in Bracken how it was to be protected.

So, my thoughts on my Dad changed for the worst at that point, and I didn’t talk to my family for quite a while… almost two years, I believe.  I think there might have been a few times in there we had to talk about something outside of us, it’s been over 20 years and it’s hard to remember, but if I did talk to them at all in that time, I quickly ended the conversations, not wanting anything to do with any of them.  Dad has realized over time the truth.  He greatly buffers my mother and I now.  He does protect her more than I like, but I understand that to some degree.  At one point, a decade or so ago, he even told me he was sorry that he wasn’t inviting me home for visits, but he worried what mom might be like if we met on her turf.  So they came to visit me every time.  I haven’t been home since 2001, and that was only for a few minutes to show someone where I lived while we were travelling.  I think before that it might have been 1997 or1998 was the last real visit where I stayed over night.  My brother just bought the place from my parents last year, and is tearing it down.  It has been condemned from my understanding.  Before he tears it down this summer, he has invited us all to see it one more time.  I am debating going.  I have so many bad memories there, but, the Duke has never seen it.  It does seem odd to him to never have seen where I grew up.  But he says he is okay not seeing it, it’s just weird.  He has left the choice up to me and does not want me to feel pressured to go if I think it will be a bad idea.  It does seem a waste to drive three and a half hours to see an abandoned building, my brother is cleaning all the junk out, though that might be easier to see it empty.  My parents were major hoarders, so seeing it without stuff may make the memories less stifling.  Though I’m not sure.  There was a mural on one wall, it was of a forest with water running through it, in our living room.  I loved that photo, and it calmed me when everything else was going crazy.  – I just looked it up and found it after several word choice tries!  Or it’s VERY similar. :)  It was on the left wall when you entered the living room.  The TV was in front of it, but I still liked it for what I could see through the mess and TV.  Couldn’t find a picture without a watermark on it, sorry.

My Answers :) - & My Past...

So I asked you guys last night if you had any questions for Questions Month.  I got three so far.  Please feel free to add more in the comments, even if you don't read this post. :)  They can be for me, the Duke, or both of us. :)  Here are the questions and answers so far. :)

--- Lindy Thomas: If you could live anywhere in the world what part would you choose? What's one thing both you and the Duke pack when travelling?

Hi, Lindy. :)  I am not sure, I love where I live in Canada.  I live on the eastern side.  Snow storms suck... but I wouldn't trade it for floods, earthquakes, hurricanes. :)  The spring and summer here are beautiful.

We usually pack clothes. :P  Laptop, and something to read.  Sometimes an implement, but rarely as we're usually staying with family when we're away.

--- An English Rose (Jan): I have been asking about people's clothing choices and funny enough you have just written about that so for you I will ask. How hard is it living with family? I admire you, I couldn't do it. Also is there an implement you fancy trying and haven't yet done so?

Hi, Jan. :)  Hehehe, sorry to take your original question away. :) 

And living with family is very hard, but it is also a blessing.  My Dad and I usually get along, but sometime he'll all the sudden be very upset with something and take it out on me since I'm the one who is around.  I find that very hard.  Mom is always in bed, I mean, ALWAYS, every minute of the day, in bed, and the Duke is at work a lot of the time, so I'm here alone with him a lot, well not counting kids. :)  Mom is hard... I share why below... but it's a hard read, so please don't feel you have to read.  She just reminds me of too many bad memories, and she refuses to leave her room and join the rest of the world.  She never leaves it, watches tv all day, and only comes out if I make a food she wants for supper.  Otherwise, if I make something she doesn't like, she makes Dad make her something and bring it to her.  So I can literally go weeks without seeing her at all, and this has happened often.  It's weird.  And then she'll come out after being mia for weeks,  and be upset that my daughter won't hug her for the two minutes she's out.  *sigh*  She doesn't get it.  I also find it hard because if I tell my daughter do to something, my Dad, before I even get a breath in, will tell her again to do it without giving her a second to obey first.  That riles me up, I've addressed it a few times, and have to address it again.  I don't want her to feel ganged up on, and it's me I want her to have to obey first, not him.  I know he means well, but it drives me insane.

Please don't get me wrong, there are blessings too, my daughter has more people to love, my Dad helps me with dishes and laundry and shoveling.  It's less lonely in the house, but then I also lose a lot of privacy and it's very hard to get time alone with the Duke.  I miss being able to just make love in the day, do a spanking without having to use only quiet implements, leaving the bathroom door open, running from the shower in just a towel, etc.  I definitely pray a lot to be a good daughter, most importantly a good wife, and a good mother, and not go crazy in it all.  There is really only one day I did, and the Duke was super supportive.

And I would love to try a riding crop and I'd love to try something leather.  Leather is definitely out of our budget, but I dream of trying a strap especially. :)  Oh, and I'd love to try a rattan carpet beater, one of the pretty Victorian ones. :)  They are sooo pretty. :)  Something like these.  Especially the one on the right. :) :) :)  But the one in the middle would probably be more practical spanking wise. :P

--- Roz: What is your favourite movie? Favourite childhood memory? Favourite implement?

Well, I probably would have listed something from Jane Austen, or another BBC Period Piece Romantic Drama, though I love pop culture movies too... but I have to say since last week I'm very addicted to the Fifty Shades movies. :)  Especially 2 and 3.  I can't wait for Freed to come out on DVD.  I love the dynamic, especially in 2 and 3.  I love the protection, care, safety, dominance, love, raw emotions, etc.  It's so great.  I find the first one is more straightly focused on getting her to be submissive, and the second two are more about learning who they can be together, so that is probably why I like them better.

My favourite implement... hmmm... Probably the Pocket Paddle from Blondie's, but since we can't use that anymore with people in the house, we often use a thin dowel that's 15 inches long.  It delivers enough pain without making much noise. 

I had to save the childhood memory until the end.  I almost pretended I didn't see the question to be honest...   And Roz, I know you would never want to make me feel panicked, so please do not feel guilty for having asked it.  In theory, it is such an absolutely innocent question, and I know that is how you meant it. :)  You are such a sweetheart and kind soul.

But to be honest, I can't answer that question because there is no happy memories... sorry... I sometimes elude to my past... but wonder if I should just put it out there and finally just admit it.   If I have shared a happy memory in my posts, it was for want to try to make it a happy memory.  I wish my childhood had been good.

This may be choppy, I won't get through it without tears, so it may not all make sense, but I find I don't ever talk about it, and wonder if sharing will help.  Please don't read further if you cry easily and don't want to cry. :) 

SERIOUSLY, Please Don't Read Further If Things Upset You Easily.  My past is not an easy one, and I still only skim the surface, but it's still a hard.  I am scared to share, but here we go.

----------------------------------------

I may end up pulling this down later, I still am uncertain sharing it.  I'm always afraid people will think I'm lying, and so I find it very hard to share my stories with people.  These details are sadly all true.

I don't have a happy memory from childhood.  Not one that I can come up with.  My mother was very abusive, mostly emotionally, but also physically.  My childhood was nothing but fear.  I have since been told I was brain washed by her and that I had PTSD.  I have a brother who thinks PTSD is a made up condition, so no one in my life but the Duke knows, and I do all I can to hide it from others because he judges other so severely, and I'm not sure I could handle it.

Even the parts of my childhood that might have looked good to others, were so filled with fear for me, that that is all I remember.  I still carry scars on my forearms from my mother's fingernails digging into me.  She always kept them long, and they were always sharp. :(  Thankfully over the years, especially during pregnancy, a lot of my scars faded, even ones not from abuse, so that I have less reminders.  She used to love to throw things at my head, and hit me in the face.  To this day, over 20 years later, I am still head shy.  I think that is why I fell in love with the character of Christian from Fifty Shades.  I've never read about someone with the same problem, and that is making me a bit brave to share.  He can't have his chest and back touched, and I can't have my head touched, especially if someone comes at me at a speed I find too fast.  The Duke can come at me, and I'm okay, but that could be because he knows this about me and comes at me slowly.  Other people have to warn me, come slowly, and still, I cringe.  People have only found out if they've gone to touch my head or face and I panic, I don't think I've ever willingly told anyone before you guys now.  A doctor can check my throat when I have a cold, but if they have to check my sinuses, or press around my head to figure out my headaches, I have to intentionally focus on my breathing so that I don't hyperventilate or throw up.  It's getting a lot better, but not perfect yet.  In our early years of marriage, the Duke couldn't even come at me in the dark at all.  Not for a hug, not for a kiss, not for intimacy.  Now, as long as I knew he was already with me, or he talks to me to let me know it's him, he can.  But in the early days, I would panic and demand he turn on the lights, even if he'd been with me, even if he spoke.  I can't even tell you why it happened and why it's better now, I don't know.

To show how much fear I lived in because of her constant beatings and emotional abuse, it made me afraid of everyone... my grandfather collected a 5 gallon bucket with large tadpoles to show me one day when I was probably about six years old because he thought I'd like them.  There was probably 30-50 in it.  They were amazing in memory, but back then I was freaked out of my tree and couldn't enjoy them.  I started shaking.  When he asked if I like them, I stuttered through clattering teeth. "You're not going to throw them on me, are you?"  His response was "Of course I'm not going to throw them on you!  Why do you always think such bad things?"  We were done looking at them, I'd upset him and he took me back to the house to my parents.  Looking back, I see he was upset because he thought I thought he was a beast.  I just didn't know people could be good back then.  I'd ruined his gift, many of his gifts, because of my fear. :(

Reading Fifty Shades finally last week was such an unexpected blessing.  I felt my heart just falling in love with Christian, not because he was sexy, or dark, but because of all he went through, with the pain he still carried, and I echoed so many memories.  I do not have burns, my scars are from fingernails, and my mom didn't have to sleep with guys, but she was heavily medicated, addicted to prescription drugs, and she was mean, as mean as the pimp in Fifty Shades, in fact, she has said many worse things.  I will never forget some of her words, or pet names for me.  She only ever once told me as a child that she loved me, one day when Dad demanded it, and she told me it with pure hatred.

Reading Fifty Shades was so freeing (it shares so much more than the movie) in that it allowed me to talk to the Duke about somethings that I'd never been able to find words for before.  It was a very tearful conversation on my end, but it was so freeing to be able to admit how I'd felt.  He knew there was abuse, but I hadn't been able to share how scared I was, how I felt, some of the instances that were too much to process, and how I can still, to this day, if I think too long on it, be that little girl again, right in the moment, and it takes a few minutes of concentration to get back to my 39 year old self.  I am almost done Fifty Shades Darker, and I hate to think I'll reach the end of these books someday.  Walking with Christian and his journey has been such a balm to my spirit.  I feel so less alone.  I feel like, even though he's fictional, someone out there understands me.

My mother lives with us now, as I shared above.  They had no where to go, and I couldn't just say no when they asked.  BUT, I panicked when they asked.  I spent over a month in panic attacks, crying, praying there was another way.  The Duke and I set many, MANY rules that had to be agreed upon before they were allowed to move in.  She is not allowed to bring up the past, ever.  Her version is flowers and hearts and all happy memories, and any bad parts she recalls she says were my fault.  I can't handle the lies.  She also is not allowed to fight with me, or fight with my Dad in front of us.  I don't want to see her anger, ever.  She says I'm overly sensitive because of this, but I don't rise to the challenge.  I'm not overly sensitive, it takes a lot to get me worked up, I just won't put up with her lies and manipulations.  And, as you can imagine, she is not allowed to be alone with my daughter. She has shown again and again that she's changed in many ways, but I still can't take the chance that she's pretending to have changed.

I gave you way more than you intended for this answer, and I am sorry.  And if anyone read to this far, I am sorry if I shared too much... I tried to share briefly, the whole story is way too much, I still had to tame it down, I still am not ready to share so much, but this is a small jist of my childhood because I feel I have hid too much of who I am.  I'm sorry there are no happy memories to share, but I promise, once I grew up, once I left home, there were MANY happy memories.  And the Duke alone has given me a lifetime of memories to make up for all the bad.  He is so healing and healthy for me.  I am finally so loved, and the great thing is, I love him with all my heart in return.  Something I was worried I'd never be able to do since you are said to not ever be able to show and experience love if you had no inkling of it before the age of five.  I am glad they were wrong, or I have it in my past, and don't remember it.  Either way, I'm so blessed in my marriage with the Duke.

I know the things online can seem made up, but I try to be honest, always.  But it's okay if anyone doesn't believe this post.  If you don't though, could you please just skip commenting for this post?  It was very hard to share, and I'm not sure I could handle attacks right now as typing all that out has left me very raw.  Thank you.  Or, if you feel you do need to comment any doubts, please start it with "I DOUBT" and I'll skip over your comment until I'm more prepared to deal with it.  Thank you.

Questions?

I was told today that it's Questions Month.  I forgot that about March. :)

So, if you have any questions for me, or the Duke, please feel free to ask in the comments of this post. :)

I look forward to hearing your questions. :)

Dressing For Duke

It's rare that the Duke will say something that hurts my feelings.  He's very conscious to do his best to be nice to me, and to do all he can to take care of me.

The other day after watching Fifty Shades Darker, I asked him if he thought I was sexy.  He wasn't sure what to say.  I was hurt.  Devastated was more like it.  The thing with the Duke is that he doesn't always know how to put things into words, a lot of times because he hasn't got a fixed opinion on something, or know the reasons why when he does have an answer. 

I can either go away hurt and sit in my own misery, or I can sit and talk with him.  It means I have to think of different questions to ask him until he figures it out.  It can be hard, there have been times this drove me nuts in our marriage.  But he doesn't do it on purpose.  He thinks different than most people, and needs either space to think things through, or needs open ended questions to help him figure out how he really thinks or feels.

So this day it took quite a while before the Duke was able to articulate what it was that he was thinking.  He does find me sexy, he just doesn't find how I dress sexy, and so finds it hard to find me sexy in my clothes.  And to be honest, I can see why.  Since my parents moved in, I have had a very hard time dressing sexy.  I feel infringed upon if I try.  I feel violated, like they're seeing a part of me that they have no right to, that only belongs to the Duke. 

The Duke isn't wanting anything scandalous.  He just wants different.  I currently wear tshirts that literally go an inch up my impossibly short neck.  So literally, there is only an inch between my chin and shirt even though it's not a turtle neck, which I can't wear at all. :P  So he'd like me to wear something with a lower neck, not scandalously low, but more skin than I show now.  He'd also like me to have shorter sleeves, mine go to my elbow.  Slightly form fitting pants as mine lately are very loose, though to be fair, I lost 25 lbs last year, and am working on more this year.  He also wishes I'd wear dresses when I can.  And certain types of underwear, I have a handful of them from before, and he'd really like those to make an appearance again.  lol  He didn't ask me to wear any of these things, he just told me that is what he likes and what he finds sexy.  And I knew that in my memory, but had kind of forgotten about the importance of them in the past couple of years.

So this week had me going through our closet to see what still fit me in terms of dresses and sexy night gowns.  Then I went shopping.  I haven't bought myself new clothes in a very long time.  But this week I did.  I bought over $80 in some tops that I knew he'd like, and a housecoat I could wear over the nightgowns that are NOT appropriate for children and parents to see. :P

The look on his face when I modeled some of my new tops and house coat was priceless, and there was no doubt in my mind that he found me sexy.  I have some bruises and a BIG smile to prove it. :)

I love the smaller things in DD.  The want to obey him, even when there isn't a clear rule given.  I'm excited to do this for him, and I'll just have to push what others think out of my head.  I'm doing this for him.  And he's who matters.

I can already feel the submission growing from taking this step.  The new clothes are drying as we speak, and I can't wait to start wearing them for him, and it'll be interesting to see how my heart and submission changes over the next few weeks as I make these changes.  I'll let you know if anything unexpected happens. :)

Finally Saw and Read Fifty Shades

I finally caved, and after all your wonderful reviews, saw the movie Fifty Shades of Grey with the Duke a week or so ago. :)  I then proceeded to read both Fifty Shades of Grey, and Grey by myself.  I would only suggest reading Grey for two reasons.  One, if rereading Fifty Shades of Grey would interest you because many of the scenes are the same.  But I still found it very interesting to see Christian's point of view and hear thoughts we had no idea about in the first book, since the first book is only Ana's point of view, even on the same scenes.  And in the Grey book there is about 50 extra pages that I really think readers would like that goes past what was shared in Fifty Shades of Grey.  It shares a lot about Christian and how he handles the last scene in the book, and goes into more detail about his childhood.  But maybe it's covered in Fifty Shades Darker. ;)

I loved this movie and books.  Love them.  I will try not to spoil things if you haven't read or seen the series.  Just my processing thoughts on things. 

The sex scenes bothered me a bit at first, but it quickly became a small thing compared to the relationship.  The writing for Fifty Shades of Grey isn't great, it's much better in Grey, but the plot is amazing, or I found it so.  I felt so much of it resonated with me, and I couldn't get it off my mind.  That is why I ended up reading the books right away.  I really loved the relationship between Christian and Ana.  I have some personal thoughts I have typed up about it, but don't feel ready to share.  Maybe soon. :)

I will say that I had read much bad about this movie and books, about abuse, manipulation, force, bullying, etc.  Since our relationship was all about consent, I was not interested at all in a trilogy that went against that. I just want to say that that isn't the case in the movie as I saw it, but maybe I am wrong.  This is how I saw it.  Except for going behind Ana's back for a safety issue, I found Christian was constantly checking with her to make sure she was willing at each step he took with her. Her consent was very important to him, in fact he was adamant about doing nothing she was against.  If she didn't ask, or didn't say it was okay, it didn't happen.

I guess there is one scene I can see that might bother people in the movie.  Christian gets up to leave after spending time with Ana, and says on a final note, after she asks, that she can only have a relationship with him if she agrees to the dominant/submissive lifestyle he says he needs.  It might come across as mean, bullying, and maybe forceful because he's basically saying this or nothing.  I am not sure that is exclusive to non-vanilla type relationships though.  We all have our list of needs, and don't we say we will only be with someone that meets them?  Whether it be commitment, honesty, faithful, dependable, wants kids, is good with money, gets along with family, gets along with current kids, religion, politics, what have you.  We all have a few needs we're unwilling to sacrifice, even for love.  So I'm not really sure that is reason enough to hate Christian.

I mean, I need a faithful husband, I need him to be honest with me, I need him to love me. Those things most people would understand.  But, I also need him to correct me, I need him to lead and be in charge, I need him to accept and even demand my submission.  I mean, I could function without those, but it'd be really hard, and I would not be happy try as hard as I have in the past, and might if it had to go back.  I HATED being in charge and leading my marriage and the Duke thinking I should have all the responsibility.  I felt myself die more and more every day as more and more responsibility was given to me, and the Duke could coast through our marriage because I was doing all the work.  That was how it was in his home, that is all he knew. My marriage died this way though, and I wanted out!  Our lifestyle saved our marriage.  Thankfully the Duke is very happy with our changes as well since we brought in our lifestyle.  I am doing a post up now about our lifestyle as we're such a mix of things and not just one thing.

So now I have the next movie coming in the mail hopefully tomorrow, and then I'll probably read both point of view books after, and then force myself to wait until I can get the last movie on DVD.  I hope Christian's point of view book is written by then for the last set, if E L James is even doing one.  I hope so. :)  I hope I like the next movies and books as much as I loved the first.