This is post 4 of 5.
Little - But Not Age Play
I shared this about myself a bit a while ago, well, parts of it... this one is a hard one to share, and I share some new things here. I'm embarrassed, and vulnerable, and scared to death while typing this, but still feel I want to share so that you get a picture into who we are, so that people can relate to us better.
Part of me gets scared sharing because I know how DD, D/s, and BDSM are generally accepted, but not littles, and I am not like any other that I've met, heard about, or read about, you'll see why below. So I don't fit the mold at all, but I'm honestly not sure what else to call what happens. Maybe little isn't even the right term, but it's all that I know to call it at this point. I'll let you decide. Maybe you have a better name for it for me? :)
Part of me gets scared sharing because I know how DD, D/s, and BDSM are generally accepted, but not littles, and I am not like any other that I've met, heard about, or read about, you'll see why below. So I don't fit the mold at all, but I'm honestly not sure what else to call what happens. Maybe little isn't even the right term, but it's all that I know to call it at this point. I'll let you decide. Maybe you have a better name for it for me? :)
***Before I explain this, I need to admit why I said we
don't age play. This is not against
anyone who does, it just isn't what we do, and if you do, that is great.
:) We all have to make our lifestyles
work for us. :) For us, we don't make this a lifestyle, it's just something that
happens or doesn't. We don't immerse
ourselves in it. I don't usually like to sit and
colour, I only watch young girl movies when babysitting, and I only play with toys when babysitting or playing with little one, not ever something I want to do on my own, etc. It's more a personality that comes out when I
say 'little'. Let me explain.
So what happens to me is that sometimes I'll feel scared, unwanted, overwhelmed, lost, or even in good times when I feel extremely vulnerable or lots of joy. That is when it happens. I feel little, small, young, in desperate need of protection, of unconditional love, and being taken care of. When I say need, I mean, down to the core of my being, so intense I almost can't breathe through it at times. It in itself is overwhelming. My voice gets small, I shrink, and I'm embarrassed. I had noticed this of myself throughout life, and never let anyone know it was happening. I'd hide away and tell myself to grow up. But then one day it happened with the Duke during a spanking. I hid, I hid it, spank after spank, until I was beyond thought, and then it happened before I realized the words were even out of my mouth. "I'll be good, Daddy!"
I FROZE. I had NEVER thought of him like that before. I had NEVER thought of anyone like that before. I panicked, and tried to scramble off the Duke's lap, but he wouldn't have it. I started crying, and fighting against him for all I was worth, but he's way bigger and stronger than me, and told me he wasn't letting me go. He then asked why I'd called him Daddy. I couldn't answer, my heart constricted, my breathing choked in my chest, and I was in a complete state of panic. He asked again, and then he demanded I talk to him. I told him I didn't know. I didn't, and I just wanted away from him to process whatever in the world it was that had just happened.
He held me, and comforted me, and let me know it was okay. But then, not long after, maybe a few weeks, maybe just days, it happened again, this time while being intimate. I know, I know, it's not supposed to, and so I was even more upset with myself because by this point I'd heard of littles. The more comfortable I became around the Duke, the more easily it happened. Don't get me wrong, it didn't happen all the time, but probably 2-3 times a month for about 5-15 minutes, if that, and over half of those times happened when we were intimate, even though I tried to tell myself that was wrong, bad, not socially acceptable, but it still happened. We now know the things that usually make it happen, and I'd learned to not hate myself when it did, and then even thrive when it did.
Then, in the past few years, it stopped happening almost altogether. When I was in labour, for the first time ever, I became a little in front of other people. The Duke doubts everyone else knew, but I kept blanking out, I was still conscious, but there is about five hours I don't remember of labour. The Duke said I'd ask several questions, get this look in my eyes of confusion, and then ask the same questions all over again. He said this happened dozens of times, and that I was little through it. He promises me he doubts anyone else understood what was going on, but he did. He saw the fear, how lost I was, and he heard it in my voice, and how my speech had changed. So if he saw it, I have this overwhelming fear that others may have realized it too.
Also, my parents have moved in. The reason I think it even ever happens is because of the abuse I had. I think it's my mind trying to find a way to reclaim that innocence I was never allowed to experience, the unconditional love, the protection, the being taken care of. With them around, I do not feel I can be that vulnerable. So, when I wrote this a month or so ago, I had said it might be something that doesn't happen again because it hasn't in quite a while... but then two nights ago happened, and it was back, which is why I didn't post it a few days after my last post like I did with the others in this set. When it happened, I was so upset, I couldn't even talk to the Duke. He was floored when I called him Daddy in that little voice, and I couldn't deal. I ran from the room, telling myself I was not going to cry, worried I was being rejected. He found me, and told me he wasn't upset, just shocked because I had said I didn't want it happening again, he had tried several times to coax my little out over the past couple of years, feeling it was good for me to let her out, and I fought it tooth and nail. I admitted I didn't mean for it to happen, and didn't even realize I was slipping until I called him Daddy. I begged him to leave me alone, I was emotionally over wrought, and he finally did after trying to talk to me several times, and then I felt horrid. I was so vulnerable, and I had pushed away the one person who would comfort me through it. I'm still shaken up about it two days later, and feel that side of me hovering, begging to be let out until I can process through all of this. I have been sick with bronchitis and really bad headaches for two weeks, that probably does not help my inability to deal with this.
In many ways, she is freeing. I have had much healing when that part of me comes out because the Duke gives me extra love and care. The Duke loves me when I go little, he says I have this excitement over little things, I am extra cuddly, I am extra sweet, and innocent. When I'm little, for that brief period of time, I don't think, I just follow. I just am super obedient, I never fight against him, I am so giving to him, and long to please him to the center of my being. He says it's like I thrive over being told what to do and having to obey in those moments, that I get this look of peace when I have to do as he tells me. There are even things I'm too nervous or embarrassed to do normally that that side of me begs to do.
So... a part of me. I'm trying to embrace it again, I had in the past, but I'm finding it so difficult right now. I'm starting forty in the face, and I just feel I should really be grown up by this point, and not in so much need of coddling when I feel like this. I'm embarrassed by this side of me, the need that over takes me when it happens. I do not like being that needy, to the core of my being. I don't know how to feel that it happened all the sudden again. I don't know if it's because I knew that this post was coming up and it's been making me nervous, or if it would have happened on it's own. I just don't know. :(
I totally understand if this post turns people away... I am so confused by it all myself. I had it all figured out at one point... or I was accepting of it at least... hoping I can find the balance so I'm not so uncertain.
The Duke's Deductions:
I like when the little side comes out. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, and I don't think it is anything to be embarrassed about. I remember a while ago when Esmay told me she had wanted to stop being little or calling me Daddy, and I didn't quite understand it, I just assumed she was no longer interested in it. I had been trying to stop treating her little since she had told me she didn't want to anymore and catching myself because it became such a normal part of our lifestyle together, so it confused me when she called me Daddy earlier this week after saying she didn't want to do that anymore. I feel Esmay is especially vulnerable right now, probably because of her being sick this week and our daughter being sick.
It can be hard because I want to do what is best for her, but it can be hard to tell what that is sometimes. What is best for her can sometimes be the opposite of what she wants in a particular moment, or can sometimes be something that can make her unhappy with me in the short term but will be better for her in the long term. Sometimes as an HOH I need to trust that she trusts me to try to do what is best for her. I also sometimes can have fear of making a bad decision, and need to trust that if I do make a mistake in this relationship that Esmay still loves me and will still forgive me and that I can learn from it.
EsMay again - Man I love this man!
So what happens to me is that sometimes I'll feel scared, unwanted, overwhelmed, lost, or even in good times when I feel extremely vulnerable or lots of joy. That is when it happens. I feel little, small, young, in desperate need of protection, of unconditional love, and being taken care of. When I say need, I mean, down to the core of my being, so intense I almost can't breathe through it at times. It in itself is overwhelming. My voice gets small, I shrink, and I'm embarrassed. I had noticed this of myself throughout life, and never let anyone know it was happening. I'd hide away and tell myself to grow up. But then one day it happened with the Duke during a spanking. I hid, I hid it, spank after spank, until I was beyond thought, and then it happened before I realized the words were even out of my mouth. "I'll be good, Daddy!"
I FROZE. I had NEVER thought of him like that before. I had NEVER thought of anyone like that before. I panicked, and tried to scramble off the Duke's lap, but he wouldn't have it. I started crying, and fighting against him for all I was worth, but he's way bigger and stronger than me, and told me he wasn't letting me go. He then asked why I'd called him Daddy. I couldn't answer, my heart constricted, my breathing choked in my chest, and I was in a complete state of panic. He asked again, and then he demanded I talk to him. I told him I didn't know. I didn't, and I just wanted away from him to process whatever in the world it was that had just happened.
He held me, and comforted me, and let me know it was okay. But then, not long after, maybe a few weeks, maybe just days, it happened again, this time while being intimate. I know, I know, it's not supposed to, and so I was even more upset with myself because by this point I'd heard of littles. The more comfortable I became around the Duke, the more easily it happened. Don't get me wrong, it didn't happen all the time, but probably 2-3 times a month for about 5-15 minutes, if that, and over half of those times happened when we were intimate, even though I tried to tell myself that was wrong, bad, not socially acceptable, but it still happened. We now know the things that usually make it happen, and I'd learned to not hate myself when it did, and then even thrive when it did.
Then, in the past few years, it stopped happening almost altogether. When I was in labour, for the first time ever, I became a little in front of other people. The Duke doubts everyone else knew, but I kept blanking out, I was still conscious, but there is about five hours I don't remember of labour. The Duke said I'd ask several questions, get this look in my eyes of confusion, and then ask the same questions all over again. He said this happened dozens of times, and that I was little through it. He promises me he doubts anyone else understood what was going on, but he did. He saw the fear, how lost I was, and he heard it in my voice, and how my speech had changed. So if he saw it, I have this overwhelming fear that others may have realized it too.
Also, my parents have moved in. The reason I think it even ever happens is because of the abuse I had. I think it's my mind trying to find a way to reclaim that innocence I was never allowed to experience, the unconditional love, the protection, the being taken care of. With them around, I do not feel I can be that vulnerable. So, when I wrote this a month or so ago, I had said it might be something that doesn't happen again because it hasn't in quite a while... but then two nights ago happened, and it was back, which is why I didn't post it a few days after my last post like I did with the others in this set. When it happened, I was so upset, I couldn't even talk to the Duke. He was floored when I called him Daddy in that little voice, and I couldn't deal. I ran from the room, telling myself I was not going to cry, worried I was being rejected. He found me, and told me he wasn't upset, just shocked because I had said I didn't want it happening again, he had tried several times to coax my little out over the past couple of years, feeling it was good for me to let her out, and I fought it tooth and nail. I admitted I didn't mean for it to happen, and didn't even realize I was slipping until I called him Daddy. I begged him to leave me alone, I was emotionally over wrought, and he finally did after trying to talk to me several times, and then I felt horrid. I was so vulnerable, and I had pushed away the one person who would comfort me through it. I'm still shaken up about it two days later, and feel that side of me hovering, begging to be let out until I can process through all of this. I have been sick with bronchitis and really bad headaches for two weeks, that probably does not help my inability to deal with this.
In many ways, she is freeing. I have had much healing when that part of me comes out because the Duke gives me extra love and care. The Duke loves me when I go little, he says I have this excitement over little things, I am extra cuddly, I am extra sweet, and innocent. When I'm little, for that brief period of time, I don't think, I just follow. I just am super obedient, I never fight against him, I am so giving to him, and long to please him to the center of my being. He says it's like I thrive over being told what to do and having to obey in those moments, that I get this look of peace when I have to do as he tells me. There are even things I'm too nervous or embarrassed to do normally that that side of me begs to do.
So... a part of me. I'm trying to embrace it again, I had in the past, but I'm finding it so difficult right now. I'm starting forty in the face, and I just feel I should really be grown up by this point, and not in so much need of coddling when I feel like this. I'm embarrassed by this side of me, the need that over takes me when it happens. I do not like being that needy, to the core of my being. I don't know how to feel that it happened all the sudden again. I don't know if it's because I knew that this post was coming up and it's been making me nervous, or if it would have happened on it's own. I just don't know. :(
I totally understand if this post turns people away... I am so confused by it all myself. I had it all figured out at one point... or I was accepting of it at least... hoping I can find the balance so I'm not so uncertain.
The Duke's Deductions:
I like when the little side comes out. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, and I don't think it is anything to be embarrassed about. I remember a while ago when Esmay told me she had wanted to stop being little or calling me Daddy, and I didn't quite understand it, I just assumed she was no longer interested in it. I had been trying to stop treating her little since she had told me she didn't want to anymore and catching myself because it became such a normal part of our lifestyle together, so it confused me when she called me Daddy earlier this week after saying she didn't want to do that anymore. I feel Esmay is especially vulnerable right now, probably because of her being sick this week and our daughter being sick.
It can be hard because I want to do what is best for her, but it can be hard to tell what that is sometimes. What is best for her can sometimes be the opposite of what she wants in a particular moment, or can sometimes be something that can make her unhappy with me in the short term but will be better for her in the long term. Sometimes as an HOH I need to trust that she trusts me to try to do what is best for her. I also sometimes can have fear of making a bad decision, and need to trust that if I do make a mistake in this relationship that Esmay still loves me and will still forgive me and that I can learn from it.
EsMay again - Man I love this man!