Monday, March 30, 2015

Thank You & Update

First of all, my little one is sitting in my lap, hands just a winging around, so she says hi, but please forgive any spelling mistakes she may help me make. ;)  She's quite active today. :)

I want to thank you all for your prayers, messages and emails.  You sure know how to make people feel loved.  And you'll be impressed, I actually, for the first time in months, got back to comments. It took days though, but I did it.  The Duke is healing very well.  Amazingly well, and so now I feel a bit stupid for how worried I have been.  He still has double vision which is a worry since the accident was almost two weeks ago.  His doctor told him at two weeks to see his eye doctor, so he is tomorrow morning.  I've been considering a different eye doctor, but we can't for this visit because his eyes have to be tested and compared to what they were at his last year visit.  I'm praying they can find a way to help him.  For now, he's still not allowed to do anything.  This caused quite a bit of trouble up until the weekend, with the Duke getting more and more cranky as his body was more and more healed.  But finally he realized what a strain he was putting on me, and apologized last night.  His confusion is totally gone, and except for a dream like moment on Friday because he became overwhelmed with being in public (we had to go to his work to fill out Leave of Absence forms) he has not had any more dream like moments. 

The only other thing that the double vision is that one of his thighs feels numb.  I know from several friends that this can heal itself, or it might remain for life.  It isn't hurting him, so if that stays that way, I'm not too worried.  We have let the doctor know, and she's going to look into it, but there seems to be nothing to be too concerned about.

The one thing that was hard especially this week was Wednesday.  I had to take our daughter for her two months shots, take the Duke for another doctor's appointment, then take him to the hospital to have the staples in his head removed... all before needing to go see our car.  You know when you see a car all smashed up and it sends shivers up your spine?  It feels like a ghost of a car, and you're filled with this sort of dread?  I really expected that.  Maybe it's because I'd seen photos first (which I literally broke down bawling and couldn't breathe for a minute when I saw them) but when I saw the car, my mind was just trying to process that it was all real.  My trunk and back seat are basically non existent.  Yet the 12 inches of the backseat that did not get crushed in, right behind the driver's seat, was the baby seat.  Which is always in the middle seat, yet somehow ended up in behind the driver's seat, scratched, but amazingly not broken.  Don't worry, we still know not to use it again.  And glass.  Did you know car windows shatter into miniscule little pieces?  I didn't.  It was like someone had emptied a snow cone machine into my car.  And then when I was finally brave enough to go around to the back passenger side, I just stood there, numb.  I'm sure the owner of the lot thought I was crazy.  Or maybe other people do the same, and just stand there, and process.

As a lot of you suggested, we put the ideas of leading and submission on the back burner.  Which is good, because today I caught the Duke texting on his phone, which was a major no no from his doctor.  I didn't lecture him or anything, but I did admit how severely disappointed I was in him, and took the phone away.  I felt HORRIBLE doing it.  But knowing his behaving now helps determine how long he'll have the double vision, and I don't want it for life, is what drove me to act.  It is so against my nature, and I still don't feel good about it, but I know it's what had to be done.  He said he understood.  He even said I could punish him.  Yeah, that was WEIRD!!!  Though I know he didn't mean a spanking, still, way out of my comfort zone.

I took a picture, purposefully putting my ring finger in the picture to show you this was a real accident, knowing it can be hard to trust people you don't know.  But then I changed my mind and realized those of you that know me know I'd never lie to you.  But when the Duke found out I'd taken the picture, he wanted me to show you, to show how thankful he is to be alive.  So I'm putting it below.  Please, only look if car crashes don't bother you, because this was scary. :( At least for me, knowing the man I love was inside.

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In some ways it is better than I'd been told, and seen pictures of, and in some ways it is worse.  The fender through the back window was tossed in after the accident, that is not where it landed during it. Even still, no part of the back seat or trunk is accessible.  The only door that opens is the driver's door. The only thing in the whole car that does not look broken to pieces is the Duke's seat, and even that, the head rest is snapped back.  God really sent an angel to protect him that day.  It could have been so much worse.

{Sorry, I'm sitting here in the middle of the night feeling very strongly that I needed to pull the picture off.  Sorry.}

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

A New Form of Submission

I had hoped to do a post this week about our journey back into DD.  My parents have been here since our little girl was born.  They were only going to stay two weeks, but one thing after another has kept them here.  So they were going to go home this past Friday and the Duke and I were going to get back to DD this weekend with a reset/role affirmation spanking.

But one evening last week the Duke didn't come home.  Let me say first that the Duke is okay and alive.  But after him being late by 45 minutes, something told me I had to call the police to see if there were any reported accidents.  Something felt very wrong.  Ten minutes later they called me back with one of the calls you NEVER as a wife want to get.  A constable called to say the Duke had been involved in a major car crash, our car would never be driven again, and that the Duke was being taken by ambulance to hospital.  For hours they would tell me nothing else, they would give me no indication on how he was doing.  My world stopped.  For an hour the hospital had no information on if he was even going there, I kept calling every 10-15 minutes, I'm sure they hated me, and I kept worrying that he was dead and was just being taken to a funeral home since they didn't even have any information on him being sent to the hospital.

That was the worst five hours of my life.  The Duke is alive, and will heal.  He has over 15 staples in the back of his head, he is literally black and blue throughout his body, his chest and stomach is one wall of yellows, reds, blacks and blues, and is in such a lot of pain. :(  He couldn't move at all without help for days, now he can do a very little bit.  He has a serious concussion, and has to miss weeks of work for it.  He's not allowed to do anything but sit in a dim or dark room, and can have soft music.  He is to do nothing that requires focus.  No tv, phones, tablets, computers, gaming, not even reading or listening to heavy music, podcasts and audio books.  Nothing, his brain is to have complete rest for at least another week, probably two, and when he goes back to work, the doctor says it will be done in stages, starting with only two hours a day.  I didn't know a concussion could be so serious.... but he was unconscious for several hours, and made no sense for another day and a half, talking about things that weren't real.  If he doesn't follow the doctors orders, they tell me he could stay in the dream like state he's in, with the headaches and double vision, for the rest of his life.  As it is now, he's already had them for about a week.

So this leads me to a new way of submission.  I had worked over the pregnancy on being submissive, even when the Duke couldn't be leading, even when there couldn't be consequences.  I wanted to really dig inside myself and keep growing.  But now, I have to find a new form of submission.  I have to find a way to take care of the Duke without overstepping him.  I have to find a way to follow the orders that doctors have given to me without taking the lead.  I need to find away to take care of him, and do what is needed while respecting him.  It seems so weird to be making the decisions right now.  It seems so horribly wrong to make sure he's following instructions.  Not because he's not trustworthy, but because he's so confused at times, he could literally forget instructions, and already has at times.  It feels horribly wrong to be checking up on him.  I feel more like it's showing that I don't trust him than it is that I'm taking care of him.  But I'm working to find the balance.  My parents stayed longer to help me take care of the Duke, the baby, and until we get a new car.  My Dad really respects my want to be a submissive wife, so it's been great to have him to talk to at times when I'm really unsure if I'm doing the right thing.  I just really want to do the best I can for the Duke.

So as we go through this new stage, which I'm hoping and praying is only the few weeks the doctor expects, I'm praying I can keep being submissive.  But above all, I'm praying for the Duke's well being.  It is frustrating for him to be so confused, and not being allowed to do anything.  Insurance people and police keep calling to find out details about the accident, but he was unconscious, he can't remember a thing, and not being able to remember when they need him too only adds to his stress.  Our car is destroyed, half the car is literally crushed in.  I've heard that said before, but never really seen it.  It is terrifying to see when you realize someone you loved was in all that.  I've only seen pictures so far, but tomorrow I go to see the actual car to make sure we need no more of the personal possessions inside.  I'm praying I'm brave enough to see it in person.  I've decided to not let him see it himself since the pictures alone bothered him so much.  Another way I have to make a decision that feels so wrong for me to be making by myself... but I literally don't know what else to do, I really don't think with his mind the way it is right now that he can handle it.  He already blames himself for the whole thing, when none of it was his fault.  But he can't seem to process that right now.  :(

So for now, DD is still on hold.  The Duke can't even raise his arms due to all the bruising along his torso and arms.  If he tries, he can't even breathe through the pain, so spanking is completely out of the question.  But I'm learning and growing all the time, and I think finding ways to be submissive out of the box will truly help us in the long run.  But most of all, my marriage keeps getting stronger.  The Duke and I keep growing closer together.  Right now it's a bit harder since he's confused, but through this too we will get closer.

I thought my baby was my miracle, and that made 2015 so special.  But now I have another miracle in 2015.  The police don't know how he left that accident alive.  The doctors don't know how there wasn't internal damage through his torso with the amount of massive bruising.  Thank God he's alive.  I know God would get me through if we lost him, but I NEVER want to learn how to live without him.  I'm so glad that every time we part we kiss and tell each other we love each other, that we do the same every night when we say good night, and that we end every call with saying we love each other.  I kept asking the police officer if I was allowed to tell him I loved him, then the nurses once he was at the hospital.  No one would let me.  But I had the peace knowing that those were my last words to him, are always my last words to him.

PS, didn't realize the Duke was the last one to be logged in to our blog, and with all going on, I didn't even think to check who was logged in like I usually do, so this posted as his ID.  But this is EsMay writing the post.