Our Consistency?

This was written a couple of weeks ago, May 15th, the visit I talk of with my Dad, started that night, and they left this past Tuesday morning, so they are not here now.  I do plan to write some new posts soon, there just has not been time.  Been to the doctors a bit lately too, been really tired, and just not able to keep up.  I'll try to explain it all soon.  Just know that things are well, and my health isn't in danger. :)  So here is what I wrote a few weeks ago...

I'm still here.  It seems the more I try to cut back on stuff, the more busy I actually am.  The Duke and I have not had any real time together in weeks, something we hope to rectify once my parents are gone.  We decided this morning to book Tuesday evenings as a NO BOOK time, it's our time, date night, nothing else is allowed to be booked then.  I can't wait! :)

So, a few weeks ago I said that I had a question I had done up for chat that I really wanted to discuss here.  As you can see, I have not posted in several days!!!  Wow.  So I decided to finally get to the question that was a real eye opener for me. :)

The topic I had done that week was "Consistency"  And one of the questions I had asked was "We often talk about an Hoh's responsibility to be consistent, but what about the subs responsibility to be consistent in their behaviour?"

I don't know where that question came from, I can only assume God, because I pray about each week before I do it, to make sure I'm asking the questions that will help people/couples most.  But this question really struck me.

I do try very hard to be consistent, but do I see that as my role as much as it is his?  Until then, probably not.  I think I thought more along the lines that if I was having a bad day, that's okay, the Duke will help me.  And he does, but I think I was too dependant on that.  I think there were times I could do more on my own, and didn't, making him have to step up more.

So, over the past few weeks, I have been paying real attention to my consistency in being submissive, obedient, and respectful.  And I notice I'm not doing too bad.  I'm not saying this to brag.  But it's good to see that I'm growing in this too.  That I'm making better choices, and doing what I can to honour the Duke.  A year ago I cannot say that I was working on my own consistency.  I thought it was all the Duke's job to make me behave, not really seeing how much responsibility I had in that as well.  I wasn't a bad wife, I did most of the common courtesty things... I just... put me ahead of him more than not. :( 

And then last night happened, I was PMSing, and was really struggling not to let it show in front of my dad.  I want him to respect me, and not see me as this broken child from all that has gone wrong in my life.  I want him to see me as strong.  But last night, I went out to pull down laundry off the line, and the Duke joined me.  I spewed for about 30 seconds, and then the Duke put his arm around me, and that's all I needed to remember I could calm down.  I didn't need to let the war going on inside me win.  It was a very hard next hour, emotions ragged through me, and I went from wanting to laugh, to throw a temper tantrum, to needing to cry my eyes out.  The only part I showed was the laughter.  And after?  I didn't have anything to regret.  So, in this too, I'm going to learn to be consistent. :)  I might fail several times in the learning, but I will learn it. :)

So now I'm looking at consistency in a way I love.  It's both our jobs.  I do try my best to be consistent, but now that I actually see it as my job, it's taking on a much deeper, loving meaning. Lately we've been at the point that it's rare for me to even get one spanking a month for discipline, still have maintenance and stress relief.  I am not saying I have DD down pat everyone, there is still SO MUCH for me to learn, I just tend to be someone who always thrived best being led, and very rarely want to act out against that.  Being led makes me so happy, so fulfilled, so complete that I just settle into it and love it's comfort.  I actually envy those of you with more spunk, more cheek, though I'm sure my bottom doesn't.  LOL  But because of this, that is why I am so big on submission exercises.  It's a way for the Duke and I to keep practicing our roles without me getting frazzled or bratting and earning a spanking.  And so in that, I am learning to be consistent too.  To find ways to keep my submissive mindset, to find ways to help foster the Duke's dominant side.  To create peace and harmony in our marriage to last a life time.  And in times that obeying is hard, I'm learning that being consistent makes it easier to swallow my pride and do what is right.  The Duke has me, that is part of his being consistent, and I don't have to worry about obeying because he's showing me it's the right thing to do.

So, all in all, consistency to me, as my role, is my drive and ability to follow the rules set before me, to be steady and honest.  I want the Duke to be able to depend on me to do what he's asked.  I want him to know that if something happened that he wouldn't find out about, I'll still tell him.  I want to be consistent in my willingness to follow his lead, and submit, even when it's not the first thing I want to do.  I tend to be a bit all over the place with my emotions, and I want to make sure that doesn't spill over into my ability to give of myself in any are of my life to my husband freely, whenever he needs, or wants.

What does consistency look like for you? :)

- The Duke's Deduction:

Hi Guys,

I am very proud to see how much EsMay is practicing consistency in her submission. She is really trying hard to make this work, and I appreciate that. I do have trouble being consistent. DD does not come naturally, and I struggle with being dominant sometimes. So I am so glad that my wife is there to help me along the way. We are learning this lifestyle one step at a time, and it is OK if it is not completely perfect, as long as it works for us. This really is making our marriage a lot better, and I feel it is making me happier in our marriage.  Thank you for trying so hard at this, EsMay, and not giving up on me.

Submission Questions

It was asked a few weeks ago if I would answer the questions I had shown in a post for the chats I do.  I have meant to get back to them a few times, and have not been able to.  But tonight, my parents were tired early, and so I have a few minutes to do a post. :)  So I do my chat questions in orange when I do chat, so I decided to leave them orange here.  There are five questions here on being submissive, that was the topic that night.

Subs, what rule do you find yourself struggling with the most? What things are you setting into place to help you get better at obeying it?  Hohs, what rule does your partner struggle with most? Are there ways, besides punishments, that you can help them over come this struggle?
I find right now that I am struggling with remembering to put on a dress when I am at home.  Especially with how busy we have been.  Several nights in a row we won't ge thome until it is time for bed, so I literally get into pjs and off to bed.  I just need a couple nights like this, and I get completely out of the habit. :(  Right now my dresses are hanging off te back of our bedroom door, I was hoping they would remind me... but with my parents visiting, that doesn't really help as they have our bedroom.  LOL  But hopefully over time I will do better with this rule.

Is there ever a time is it alright to break a rule? What would be the circumstances?

For me, the only times I would find it okay to break a rule would be in extreme circumstances.  Like if being really sick prevented me, or something came up that made following through on the rule extremely dangerous.  The Duke understands these things, and being safe and well cared for are more important to the Duke than a rule being followed.

If your Hoh catches you as you are about to attempt to break a rule, but have not yet broken it, are you still punished as if you had already done it?  Hoh’s, would you punish your sub to the same degree if you stopped them from breaking a rule, as you would if they had actually broken the rule?

We have not come across this yet, but I would hope that the Duke would use the same corrections with me as he would if I had broken the rule.  To me, the intent is just as bad as the follow through because I wasn't the one who stopped myself.  Now, had I stopped myself, then I think there should be some room for grace because I did reign myself in. 

Should rules be followed by the sub, even if the Hoh is not around to notice?  Even if the sub knows the Hoh will never think to ask?  Should the sub tell the Hoh if they broke a rule that the Hoh would never find out about on their own?  Hoh’s, how would you feel if you found out your sub kept a rule break a secret under such conditions?

I think the answer to this is yes.  First, I want to know that I am doing my best to honour and respect the Duke.  If I am not trying to behave when he is not watching me, really, how much control and guidance am I letting him have over my life?  I don't feel that the lifestyle I have chosen is one where I get to pick and choose when I want to be good and when I want to go and do my own thing.  As for the next questions, the Duke and I are looking to increase our intimacy and honesty.  How can this be done if I am okay with keeping secrets from him?  Especially when they concern my willingness/ability to follow through on things he has asked of me?  I feel that a lie by omission is still a lie.

Subs, do you work best with a lot of rules, or only one or two?  Do you find you work better with a lot of room to be yourself, and live your life the way you want, or do you thrive more in having a tighter structure and more accountability?  Hoh’s, what do you find your sub works best with?

I find I am kind of in the middle.  I need the Duke to check in with me daily to show that he is in charge, but it doesn't have to always be with a command.  I do find I need about ten rules probably, but I don't mind having more, of have him micromanage a bit more... do I want every single minute of my day planned?  I don't know, right now, I can't imagine it, but I've thrived in every other aspect of DD, so maybe I would if this happened as well.  I do know that I love being accountable to the Duke about my exercise, making the bed, bedtime, chores, and such, and they have really helped me.  I do notice I'm doing more things lately to keep up with things, and part of me hopes that if he notices, that he'll be proud of me.

So these are my answers, I hope they don't sound too pathetic, or too short.

- The Duke's Deductions:

First off I would like to say that EsMay does a great job with the Sunday night chat, and I think anyone reading this who likes this format should check it out. You get to share your answers to similar type questions with others who are into DD, and though different people may have different answers. I think we can all learn a bit from each other. As for EsMay's answers, I do realize that sometimes EsMay can be lax in the dress rule, however usually on the nights we get home and she is too tired or stressed to put one on, I am also too tired or stressed to even think about what she is wearing. However, I need to realize this is not really an excuse for me, and if I want to get the most out of DD, I should strive to be more consistent in my enforcing of the rules. However, right now with her parents here, I am okay if we do not follow this one every day, as I want EsMay to feel comfortable as she can while visiting. For the rule thing, I knew when I married EsMay that sometimes dues to her health there may be times where she is not able to follow certain rules, and I understand that. As a loving HoH, the health and physical well being of my sub is of paramount importance. In the case of her not actually breaking the rule, I am actually surprised at EsMay's answer. I would have let her get off if it was only intent, because it doesn't seem fair to me. However, realizing that the sub would like her attitudes corrected, not just her behavior, I will know for next time not to give leniency if I am the one who has to stop her. For following the rules when I am not around, I feel that EsMay should still follow the rules. If she does not just because I am not enforcing the punishment, I feel it would not be true submission. However, I know that EsMay would always tell me the truth even if I didn't ask, so I know this would not be an issue for us as a couple. For the last answer, yes, I am very proud of my EsMay for being able to take care of so many chores. Thank you.

Not Really So Strong

See this lion?  She is strong, she is brave, she can take on the world.  Nothing phases her.

Unless you saw what happened less than a minute before this photo was taken.  I took it at the zoo today.  She's upset, and sad.  There are two sets of fences around her.  One to keep her from getting out into the zoo, another to keep people out from getting into her space.  Well one man, probably mid to late twenties, hopped the people fence, and went right up to her, and antagonized her.  He thought she was having fun, but she was getting worked up, and she was all sad when he left.  He'd teased, he'd offered to play, but took off before she could have any fun.

I feel like her sometimes.  I look so sure of myself, so independent, so strong.  But that is not how I feel.  Lately, as you probably can see by my blog, it has been crazy here, and there has been no time to do anything.  We keep trying, we keep cutting things back, but it seems the more we cut back, the more there is to do.  The more people hear you are clearing up time, they want to take up your time.  And now my parents are here for ten days.  I am so glad that they are, but I miss having time with the Duke.  I just want to steal him away for a few days and do nothing but sit hip to hip with him.  There were even times today at the zoo that the crowd over whelmed me, and I looked to see where the Duke was when we'd get separated.  I feel a bit lost without him by my side.

This next photo of the female lion in with the male lion reminds me of part of DD.  She may have just been teased and proded, but on the other side of that cage, this male lion never once took his eyes off of her.  In fact, when the young man was teasing her, this male lion was at full attention on his perch until the guy left.

She may seem all alone at first, independent, able to conquer the world.  But if you look more closely, he's there, he's got her back, and he's there to make sure she's okay.  All she had to do was turn around, and he was there, watching over her, waiting for her to look back, waiting for her to know she had his strength.

Do we do that enough?  Stop and look back?  I find I'm doing that a lot lately, and the Duke, he's always there, on his perch, ready and waiting, to rescue me, to be there for me, to just let me know I'm not alone.  The world may tease me, leave me feeling lonely, not worthy, but never, ever, does the Duke make me feel that way.  He's got me, and all I have to do is look to him, and not others that seek to pull me down.  Sometimes he has to remind me, with a stern word, a command, a few swats on the bottom, a look, but he's there, and he'll always remind me of that, even if I forget.

I would show you a picture of the male lion from the front, but I couldn't get a picture because my camera would not focus through the fencing, and he refused to look up at me over the enclosure where there is a boardwalk that over looks them.  Grrr, stubborn male.  Remind you of any males in your household?  No?  Hmmm, might have to talk to the Duke and let him know no other males out there have any stubbornness in them! ;)

Because of being so busy, and a full day on our feet with my parents, the Duke is really tired tonight.  I hope you don't mind that he'll be skipping sharing his opinion this post.  But should be back for the next one. :)





Protectiveness Grows

It amazes me how much we keep growing in our relationship.  I wanted to start this blogpost saying that all the sudden we were changing, but then I realize how many times I've started blog posts that way.  The great thing about DD, D/s, or whatever it is that we are, is that it's always doing that, changing and growing.  The exciting thing is that it probably always will.

My whole life I wanted someone that would be protective of me.  I'm protective of so many people, even the Duke, but don't often feel that in my own life.  I have a friend that fiercely protects me, but did not feel that from the Duke, and I longed so much to have him want to protect me.  I'd be out late here or there, and not be able to get a hold of the Duke, all of me wishing he would worry just enough so that if I needed help, he'd be thinking of how to get to me.  But I'd come home, and he'd be surprised I was late, not having realized the time, and hadn't worried a second.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want him worry his head off, but knowing I was cared for and important would have been nice.

Well, now, I don't have to wonder.

A month or two ago during that huge storm I showed you guys pictures of, the snow had shadowed the car in such a way that it looked like there was actually someone sitting in our car.  I went to go out and check, and before, the Duke would have never thought anything of it, my going out by myself.  But this time, he pulled me back inside, told me to stay put, and went and checked himself.  There was no one there, but I still felt so safe.

And over the past week I've had several examples.  The other night I was going to get money out of the bank.  I looked up as we pulled in, and there was this large guy that kind of scared me waiting in line for the machine.  The Duke took one look at him and suggested that he go in instead.  I was so relieved that I let him.  I asked him later what would have happened if I had asked to go in, and he told me he would have either gone in with me, or made me stay in the car like I had already done.

Then the next day I was out doing laundry, and when I went to bring in the clothes, there was a giant wasp on a pair of underwear.  I didn't know what to do, and the Duke is not one that likes to deal with bugs.  Imagine my surprise when he ordered me inside, and then knocked it down and stomped on it!  The Duke!  Rescuing me from a bug. :)

And the last thing was the other night.  He had a cold, and he was snoring so loudly.  Usually if I ask the Duke to turn over, he'll stop snoring, but not so this night.  It literally was so loud I couldn't think, and forget sleeping.  So by two in the morning, I went out to the futon in our living room.  It bothered me to be in the same place, and not sleeping in the same room, but I did not see any way around it if I was going to function in the morning.  Well, four in the morning came, the Duke awoke and noticed me gone.  He came out to the living room asked why I was there, and then told me he'd be taking the futon and ordered me back to bed.  I wouldn't budge, I got a firm smack to the bottom (I was sleeping on my side, facing the back of the futon).  He told me again to get to the bedroom.  I told him he was sick, and I was not, and he needed a good night's sleep.  Three more very hard and heavy smacks to my bottom and a direct order to get my bottom into bed.  I went to the bedroom, and found it very hard to sleep in the bed without him.  He went right to sleep. 

He's taking care of me, and he's protecting me.  He's even holding me even closer to him now when we're out, and holding my hand even more firmly.  He really doesn't want anything bad to happen to me.  I wanted this my whole life, and now that it's here, I'm near tears at times, the way I'm feeling, the way I feel special and important, being almost more than I can handle.  I never really thought he'd become protective.  I always wanted it, but did not ever see it being something that would happen as we navigated our way through DD. 

Oh, DD, all the beautiful surprises you hold for us.  I am most excited to see how we'll grow next. :)  Some growing pains are painful, ;) but I'm hoping the next growth is beautiful as well.

I hope you're all having a wonderful week, and thank you so much for your understanding in my needing to be away from blogs right now.  Annabelle, you asked me to check your blog, but I don't have your blog address, sorry, would you mind emailing it to me?  Thank you. :)

- The Duke's Deductions

Hey Guys,
I feel so good the way EsMay is talking me up here. It's really simple though. Even though I am the dominant one in our relationship, I don't see it as something to use to get my own way at the expense of my spouse. I see it as a way to protect the sub and take care of her by telling her what to do in a situation. I guess in these specific examples she mentioned, it didn't even cross my mind to think about what the best way a good dom would act in these situations. I just immediately felt like doing the things I did in these situations to protect and take care of my wife. I am glad that it is making her feel closer to me.

Award

I was nominated by three fine ladies for the Liebster Award.  Thank you for nominating me.  If someone else nominated me, and I didn't see, I am terribly sorry.  Right now, I have been put on a tight blogging restriction.  I need to cut back the amount of things I do, and my stress levels.  So for now, the Duke has let me know that I will only be reading blogs if I am specifically asked by a blog author to check out a certain post.  And even then, he may say no.  So the only rrason I even knew about these nominations was because they wrote and let !e know.  I have not let people know this yet except a quick mention of it in chat one night, because I feel incredibly guilty keeping my blog going when I cannot keep up with all of yours.  I hope you can forgive me.  I would stop blogging, but both of us agree that I need this outlet.

So for the Award, I have been told it has basically died down around blogland, so I won't put up the rules, but I did want to answer back for these fine ladies.  I wrote my answers to each.  Because I did three sets of answers, I did not do the little known facts about myself, figuring, you'd get lots in these answers alone.  And since it has basically died out already, I did not nominate anyone.  But if you did not get a nomination, consider yourself nominated by me and pick any of the questions you see here for your blog. :)

Cali - http://hisribherrock.blogspot.ca

1. What kind of music do you listen to in the car? And do you sing along?
Contemporary Christian music usually, and yes, if I know the words to a song, I sing along, can’t seem to stop myself. :(
2. Do you have an item of clothing that you love but your spouse/family hates?
No, the Duke doesn’t really hate anything, or if he does, he hasn’t told me. ;)
3. Favorite season?
Spring
4. Favorite movie?
Hmmm, no favourite, but love BBC type Period Pieces, like Jane Austin, Elizabeth Gaskell, Charles Dickens.  But don’t get me wrong, I still love comedies, and Marvel Comic movies, and kids movies at times. :)
5. Strangest food you ever tried?
Muscles
6. Least favorite chore about the house?
Cleaning the toilet
7. Do you have a hobby?
Knitting, some crochet, some scrapbooking, reading, writing, blogging, video games, movies
8. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Chocolate
9. Favorite vacation destination?
Hope to go to Italy someday! :)
10. Favorite thing to eat?
OH, what day of the week is it? Lol Pizza, sweet potatoes, chocolate, poutine, donairs, garlic fingers, chicken, yeah, probably Chicken! :)
11. What song takes you right back to high school?

Anything by the Spin Doctors, lol.

Dana - http://ontheddpath.blogspot.ca

1) What are your most liked and least liked implements and why?

We tend to only use the paddle now.  So I don’t know that I like or don’t like them, they do get the job done. ;)
2) If you had to describe the difference DD has made in your marriage in only one sentence, what would you say?

I know I matter now.
3) Have you ever been watching a couple on TV or in real life and found yourself thinking "I would definitely get spanked for that."?

Hmmm, I don’t believe I have… I’ll have to watch for that now. ;)
4) If you could be HoH for a day, what rules would you make?

I get to spank, and he DOESN’T!  lol, but then, I couldn’t spank him, would just be wrong, lol
5) What has been the biggest area of growth you've saw in your HoH?

His belief in himself to do this, and other things in his life.  He’s grown so much.
6) If you could have any animal in the world as a pet with no restrictions, what would it be?

GIRAFFE!!!!  Er, Giraffe. :)
7) What are some of your hobbies?

Woops, answered this above. ;)
8) If someone wrote a biography about you, what would the title be?

The Life Of The Boring And More Bored. ;)
9) Can you whistle?

Yep.  The Duke?  Nope. ;)
10) Are you right or left handed?

Right more so, but quite ambidextrous as well.
11) If money was no object, what would be your dream home and where would it be?

Ah… sigh… a four bedroom, two bathroom, big back yard, in ground pool.  A hundred feet off the ocean where I could walk out onto grass in my front yard, and sand in my backyard. :)  Still would live in Canada though. :)

River Wild - http://kink-fictionandnon-fiction.blogspot.ca

1. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Chicken. :)

2. What is the part of your body you find most attractive?

My nose.

3. What is your favorite movie genre?

Period Piece Dramas, usually in romantic nature.

4. If you were offered the job of leader of your country, would you take it? Why/why not?

Depends on the advice team I could have with me.  But honestly, probably not.  I would find myself overwhelmed with making decisions when I’m actually trying to give up making decisions.

5. If you had to pick a motto or tagline for your life, what would it be?

Trust me, I’m a work in progress. ;)

6. Do you believe in magic or supernatural phenomena?

I believe in God.  I do know that magic and the supernatural outside of that are real as well, but they are not for me.  I hope I do not offend anyone in that.

7. If you were an animal, what would you be?

A cat.  Get fed, get petted, get my poop cleaned up for me.  What’s there to complain about? ;)

8. What is your favorite indulgence?

Hmmm, I really don’t know.

9. What do you value most about your partner? If you are unattached, what would you look for in a potential partner?

His willingness to find out what our needs are together, and really go for them.  And I would look for someone that could be humble and in charge at the same time.  A man that could lead while being able to admit when he is hurt or in need of help.  A man that looks to love, comfort, be there, be delicate when need be, and who loves God above all else.

10. Do you eat dinner at the table with your family?

Um, no, lol.  We will when we have a family, but for now, we eat in the living room, or at times in the bedroom.

11. Is there anything you wish more people knew about you?

That I really don’t have it altogether, but I will try to be very honest about who I am.  I don’t long to impress, or be popular, or know all the answers.  I long to be okay with who I am, and have the Duke okay with that as well.  Sometimes in that I come across as stuck up… but I’m really not.  I’m no better than anyone else, in fact, I often feel below people, and very unsure of myself, something I am working on.

lils - http://bigdllils0113.blogspot.ca

1.If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?

Definitely Italy! :)
2. If you could meet anyone on blogland who would it be and why?
I am always afraid of hurting people's feelings with ones like this... but I'll pick the first four, as there are many I would like to meet. :)  Cali Mom, June, Roz and JGirl.  They have all reached out to me in very special ways, and I have learned so much from each of them, in different ways.  I would not be were I am with DD D/s today if it weren't for them.
3. Favorite implement to use or receive?
Hmmm, guess that would be the paddles, as that's all the Duke uses now.  ;)
4. Would you trade places with your significant other for 24 hours? (I.e. your Dom and she's Sub, you do the opposite for a day all rules included)
SURE!  Well, as long as I didn't have to spank him, lol.  That, I could NOT handle.  But the rest, might be nice being in charge for a day, but only a day.  I wouldn't want it long term.
5. What made you realize this lifestyle was for you?
I've always wanted it, just didn't realize there was a name for what I wanted.  The day I knew there was, I felt so much relief that I wasn't alone.
6. Favorite kink?
Hmmm, not sure I'm ready to share that yet... sorry, feels a little too intimate to share, hope that's okay.

7. Exhibitionist, yes or no?
Not even close.  If I even think someone will hear our bed creaking in another apartment I can't do it...
8. Craziest place you've ever had sex?
In-laws while they were just down the hall, I know, a bit odd after my last answer.
9. Favorite spanking position giving or receiving?
Love, LOVE being over the Duke's lap, I feel so safe there.
10. If you could meet anyone from history who would it be?
OH!  Oh my, that's hard.  Moses, the Disciple Simon Peter, Hana - Samuel's mother, non Biblical I'd like to meet Jane Austen, and ask her about writing, and her understanding of people.
11. Favorite sex position?

Hmmm, sorry, have to pass. :)  Always promised after advice in premarital counselling that we would not share about detailed things in our intimacy, hope that's okay. :)

When Dominance Is Needed

I promised you a post earlier in the week, two posts actually, but life got so crazy busy this week that until last night I honestly did not have two minutes to rub together.  I will try to get them out this coming week. :)  Also, if I owe you an email, I am so sorry, and will try to catch up there too. :)

So, last night, after an insane couple of weeks, the Duke and I really hadn't had time to live our dynamic.  There was just no "us" time.  By Tuesday I could feel that I had slipped away, was gaining my inner dependence back, and was hating every minute of it.  Don't get me wrong, I'm independent in many ways, but when it comes to areas of my personal life, and my marriage, I don't want to be in control.  I want to be able to let go, and let the Duke lead.

The Duke seemed all the sudden as well to be unsure of himself.  I noticed this on Sunday, and spent the time we did have together trying to talk to him, and encourage him.  That might have helped lead to my disconnect the rest of the week, I am not sure.

So, by last night, we were all off kilter.  I retreated to the bedroom feeling exhausted from everything, and needing to just lie down and regroup.  I thought about looking up ways to help the Duke find his dominance again since it seemed to have taken a vacation to a land I'd never heard of before, but then felt that would be topping from the bottom.  So before I could read the pages I'd opened, I closed them all.  I then thought about looking up ways to be more submissive, and was starting to because I wanted to cover that in chat this week, but part way through getting things ready, the Duke came in.  He wanted me off the computer.

We talked for a little bit.  I told him I wasn't sure DD was right for him right now, that maybe I was asking him to be a dominant when he wasn't really, and I didn't want him overwhelmed.  He asked me if maybe he wasn't a dominant quite yet, but maybe he was supposed to be?  I thought on it a bit, and then he asked why I felt the way I did.  I had lots of answers I wanted to give him, lots of things that at first felt true, but as I thought for a minute, realized they were all just shields to what was really going on.  I let the vulnerability come through, and was amazed to see that deep inside, I felt lost, and in need of his strength and comforting, and was afraid with his uncertainty this week of not getting that.  I admitted my struggle, but still needed a minute to admit what the struggle was hiding.

The Duke gave me a minute, and then, got up and left the room to close up a few things.  A minute later he came back, and for the rest of the night, he was very dominant with me, in and out of the bedroom.  He spent the whole evening with me exercising his rights to lead me, and push my limits, and make me feel special, loved and cared for.  He's also been pushing here or there to have, I guess you would call it, my inner child come out.  He says she's softer, sweeter, more in need of protecting, she's more vulnerable, more innocent, and when he can coax that side of me out, I notice healing from my past happens every time.  I feel more loved, more beautiful, more whole.

By the end of the evening I felt very centered.  There was no spanking, just a lot of being pushed in my submission.  When he tucked me in, he hasn't done it in a while so I loved every minute of it, I told him how much better I felt, that I felt loved and protected.  He looked at me with love shining from his eyes and said that he knew, he could see how much more peaceful I already was.  That meant a lot to me.

We will probably always have life get in the way at times, but I'm so glad that he's still there, and is willing to bring me right back to where I need to be.  I honestly needed last night, and crave him even again this morning, his leading, his holding me, his being there.  I love this man of mine.

- The Duke's Deductions:

Hi guys. I just wanted to comment and say that, yes I was being less of a dominant than I had been in the past. I think part of it was that I was starting to think being dominant looked like a certain thing. Probably ideas I got from online somewhere, I don't know, but it seemed like something that was too difficult for me to reach, or didn't really fit with my personality, or would only apply in certain situations. But then last night, I think I realized that really, being dominant in a DD relationship seems to me now to be more about having an idea about what decision in that moment would be best for the relationship or best for the sub, and then just stepping up and saying "This is what we are doing right now," or "this is what I need you to do for me right now." Really, the sub just wants to know that somebody else is in charge or in control of them for their benefit, and that we're there for them, and that's the main thing.